Missing you…

I find myself opening up the computer after Claire goes to bed with the intention of blogging quite often… only to close it five minutes later because I'm not in the mood to write. I'm the type of writer that writes from the heart. I write what I feel and I write when it comes easily. If it doesn't come easily, then I just can't force it. And tonight I just know that I need to write.

I know that death is never easy and it takes time for a heart to heal. My grandma has been gone for over 7 months now and each day my heart still hurts. I can't even write this without tears streaming down my face. It's a beautiful thing, to miss someone this much. It represents the love I had for her and how much she meant to me. But I wish it didn't hurt so much. When she first passed away, I would just sit on the floor of the shower as the water fell across my body and cry so loud that she could probably hear me in Heaven. I remember thinking to myself that this pain wouldn't last forever; that I would still miss her but I would eventually learn to cope better. But still, I find myself sobbing at the most random times because I miss her. I can't explain it… How much I long to see her smile. Just one more time. I can see it so perfectly in my head, but I want to walk into a room and just see her sitting there. I want to see her big blue eyes and touch her sweet, soft face. I want to kiss her forehead and smell her hair. I want to hold her hands that look just like mine. I wish I could hear her voice. Or just sit next to her in silence. I would gladly sit in the next room and just watch her from afar if it's all I could have. Today, I wore the shirt that I had made for my Alzheimers Walk. I wore a zip up sweatshirt over it but as I was looking in the mirror, her perfect face was peaking through; it's all that I could see. And immediately my heart hurt. That smile. I want her back. And I know I am so selfish for thinking that. She was suffering from a devastating disease. But I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. To be honest, if it were ten years from now, I still wouldn't have been ready to say goodbye. If I could just have one more day. I would never stop hugging her. I would sit on her lap and ask her to tell me her life story. I would hope for time to pass slowly. And like the song says, I would keep wishing for one more day with her.

There is a Dove that has been sitting on my back fence for the last week. Sometimes she is with two other doves. But sometimes she is there by herself. I know that it's my grandma. She had been missing for two days and last night I thought to myself that I hadn't seen the Dove in a while. And this morning when I woke up, there she was. Sitting on the fence. Like a sign from God. Here she is. Always listening even when I can't see her… I will take a picture of her tomorrow.