When it's just all too much…

I'm having one of those days. One of those days where it's just all too much. One of those days where you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel despite knowing damn well that it's right there in front of you. I hate feeling like this. Absolutely hate it. I take it especially hard because I normally feel like SuperWoman. Well, I won't go that far but I usually feel pretty good and can easily find the positive in things when life gets crazy. But every now and then, this stupid funk catches up to me and it's like a swift repeated kick to my imaginary testicles.

I probably get this way around the Holidays every year. I don't know why but I always stress out so bad. That's the one thing I hate about this time of year. I used to despise Holidays all together, until we had Claire. Then I really started looking forward to them. And now that she is getting older, I look forward to them even more. But as she gets older, I get busier and I get more behind on what seems to be every little thing and I take it really hard. I have yet to send out our Christmas Newsletter. I haven't even made a list of who all I'm going to send them too. And don't even ask about Claire's birthday party because the theme of the party is all that I've even thought of. Normally by now I would have had all of that done. I haven't finished Christmas shopping. Something else I would have had completed a long time ago. And the packages that need to be mailed out? Nope. Not even close to being ready. Only a few presents have been wrapped. The rest sit high up in my closet with no plans of wrapping them any time soon. I have people on my list that I still have no idea what to even buy. And that's what I hate about Christmas. I LOVE giving gifts. Absolutely love it and I love the joy that it brings (I'm the person that will buy you a gift a month before Christmas and ask you to open it December 1st because I just can't wait) but I HATE stressing about what to give people. And that's just the beginning when it comes to the Holidays. For the life of me, I can't even remember the last time I mopped the floors in my house. Which if you know me and how much I love clean floors, you can imagine how badly that is driving me insane. I also somehow acquire on average three loads of laundry a day. There are clothes everywhere. And after I've picked up the clothes that are everywhere, there are more clothes to be picked up everywhere! It's a good thing we splurged on a nice washer and dryer set because we're definitely getting good use out of them. And on top of the mopping, and the sweeping, and the laundry comes the dusting that seems to need to be done two times a day. Where is all of this dust coming from, anyways? Instead of doing all of that today though like I needed to, Claire and I played with Play-doh and cookie cutters, which really was 10x more fun. And I don't feel guilty at all that I chose to spend time with her instead of clean. But it also doesn't mean that my sticky floors still aren't in the back of my mind at the end of the day. Like I said, I guess I'm just having a hard time balancing the many things I need and want to do throughout the day and feeling guilty that I can't do it all. And I know, I know, I know. There will be those of you thinking, "The housework can wait, enjoy Claire now while she's young." Yes, I know this. And yes, I find that statement sooooo annoying! I do enjoy her and we have a blasty-blast pretty much all day every day. But my responsibility as a stay at home mom is to also take care of this beautiful home that my husband works his butt off to provide for us. And I love doing it. I love having a clean home. I enjoy cleaning. Probably too much. And I feel it's important to teach Claire to respect, value, and appreciate her things and a great way of doing that is by taking care of our home together. I'm just lately having a hard time balancing it all. I want to spend 100% of my time doing fun things with Claire, but then I go weeks without mopping and then I feel bad. Then I mop and let Claire watch youtube videos and I feel bad that I let the computer entertain her for a whole hour out of the day. I mean really, when I'm writing this, I'm thinking to myself, "Ann, cut yourself some slack." I know I worry too much. And I over think things too much. And I stress myself out over stupid things like this. But I just can't help it.

Tonight was one of those nights where I actually thought, "I NEED time to myself." I had planned on putting Claire to bed on time since lately she's been going to bed past her bedtime because we have been doing fun Christmas things. My plan was to get a cup of coffee and blog about something completely different than all of this. But then she just wouldn't go to bed. The ONE night I actually NEED alone time she won't fall asleep. And every time I would leave the room she would just scream bloody murder. At one point I literally walked out of the room, laughed out loud, and said, "God, please give me the strength to be the patient mother that I know I can be." And here comes Claire, screaming her little head off and begging me to go night night with her. And normally, I would have. But like I said, tonight was one of those nights I needed time for myself. She didn't end up going to bed until just after 9pm. By this time, I was in tears, hysterically crying myself when Ryan calls and does his very best to make me feel better and reassure me that the floors can go without mopping and that he'll be happy to help me because we're a team. How I got so lucky to have a husband like him, I will never know but I am so appreciative for being so amazing.

And if all of this seems so confusing and jumbled and ridiculous, well then, welcome to my brain for the last few weeks! I hope to be feeling back up to par as soon as I have enough time to make a to-do list and can actually complete it!

On a quick different note before I go, I want to wish my Brother in Law, Kevin, a Happy Birthday. It is his first birthday in Heaven and while it's incredibly difficult for us down here, I know that he is happy and smiling down on all of us. He would have been 34 years old. If you're reading this, I just ask that you say a little prayer for my mother in law as I know this day is now a heartbreaking one for her. And say a prayer for my husband, as he misses his brother so very much. Also for his three children and his wife as they are still adjusting to life without him. The hardest part of losing Kevin is watching the people I love most hurt so badly. Today we sent him balloons and a card. It's strange how a simple thing like that can be so comforting when your heart is hurting.

This will be the first Christmas that I have ever spent without my Grandma and the first Christmas that Ryan has ever spent without his brother. Some days I just wish for the pain and sadness to go away. But then I think to myself, How lucky are we to have had people in our lives that make saying goodbye so hard….