I Really Need To Start Writing Again...

" I really need to start writing again..." Something I find myself saying all. the. time. I might be cleaning, or driving, or watching Claire play. It might be a good day or a bad day or just another ordinary day when something pops into my mind and I start thinking to myself how I should write about it. If you follow me on Facebook, you know I post a lot about my day to day happenings. And if you follow me on instagram, chances are you've seen one of the seven pictures I often post in a single day. Truth is, I'm just one of those people who love to share things on my social media. The funny thing is though, with as much as I post, I'm still a rather private person and keep a lot about my life off of the internet - I know, it's a little hard to believe.

For as long as I can remember, writing has always been an outlet for me. I have always had a way of expressing myself with words, whether it be through letters or poetry or just random thoughts scribbled into my journal. Or in this case, a blog on the internet. And it makes no difference to me if one person reads it or one thousand people read it. Writing is for me. I, of course, hope that if there are people reading my blog, they can take something from the words that I share.

So, what was it that triggered me to actually start writing again? I wouldn't say it was one thing in particular. I wouldn't even say that it has been a handful of things that got me to pull out the computer. I would say it was just life that inspired me. Our life as of late has been wonderful. And it has been hard. And it has been enjoyable. And it has been stressful. And it has been all of these things all at once and quite honestly, sometimes that's a little hard to process. Especially for someone like me whose feels things so vividly. I have for the better part of my life been an emotional person - and it's one thing that I am no longer ashamed of. I used to try hiding it out of embarrassment or fear that people wouldn't understand. Now, I'll gladly ugly-cry watching Free Willy and those sad animal commercials. I will explain to you with tears pouring from my eyes, snot dripping from my nose, whats wrong if you ask me. I'll stand in the card isle at Wal-Mart reading sappy cards that make me weep like a baby. And you know what, that is just who I am. And while I'm not ashamed and it's not always a bad thing to have a heart like mine, it's not always an easy thing, either.

Sometimes, I wish to not feel things so intensely.

A few years back I started going to counseling. It was the year I had Claire and my doctor diagnosed me with Postpartum Depression. For months I struggled to feel like myself but desperately wanted and needed to. I had passed off my feelings as adjusting to becoming a new mother and the stress of dealing with Claire's health issues. And then one day it just hit me like a sack of bricks. I was sitting on the living room floor and I started crying. I felt so hopeless - like I would never be "normal" again. The desperation to be happy was more than I could stand and I looked at Ryan and told him that I needed help. I called my doctor right then and they had me come in. And that was the start to becoming myself again. I began counseling the following week and after my very first session was able to release the guilt I felt for not being strong enough to deal with life. I learned that Postpartum Depression is a really, real condition that affects thousands and thousands of women every single day. It's a condition that is beyond our control. It's not about not being strong enough. It's not about being too weak. It's an actual illness and understanding that, and not blaming myself, is what helped me move forward. During those months before counseling, I struggled with amazing amounts of guilt that literally turned my stomach inside out. How can I be so sad when my life is pretty damn near close to being perfect? I struggled with feelings of unworthiness. My daughter and husband deserve so much more than who I am. I struggled with fear. Fear that my husband would stop loving me because I cried too much or I was afraid too much or because I needed more reassurance than normal that he could still love someone as unlovable as me. Looking back, it was probably the most difficult year I have yet to face. I'm thankful to have gone through those days (now that I survived them) but I don't ever want to go through them again.

Which brings me to today. Realizing that I may very well struggle with Postpartum Depression again. It started out as the Baby Blues, just like it had with Claire. Those first two weeks are hell. An absolute living hell. Not only is my body trying to adjust to no longer providing for the baby it has just taken care of for the last 9 months, it's also having to figure out what to do with all of these extra hormones. "The Hormonal Dump" is what my nurses called it (but quite honestly it should be called The Hormonal Body Slam or The Hormonal Avalanche or something incredibly extreme because it's no joke.) And, on top of that, my body is trying to recover from the trauma it just experienced giving birth to this baby on very little sleep because you're now caring for a newborn baby. It's a lot for one body to go through in such a short amount of time if you think about - and it's even more amazing that we are even capable of so much.

Rhett is 2 weeks old today and I am beginning to feel a little bit better than I did since first coming home from the hospital. I still have my moments where I begin crying out of the middle of nowhere and can't explain why other than "it's just all so much." I have my moments where I'm afraid for Ryan to go back to work because I'm going to miss him and don't want to be lonely. I still occasionally feel sad because I worry that all of this is affecting Claire and her sweet little heart or I feel sad because I don't want her feeling like I don't have time for her. And then there are days that I feel guilty for feeling sadness during what should be one of the happiest times of our life. I feel guilty for crying so much during Rhett's first few weeks of life. How does one feel sad when you have so much to be grateful for? How does one feel sad when life couldn't get any better than it already is? It's just a really difficult thing to experience and go through. But I pray that with the tools I once learned, this time around will be easier. I pray that this time will be different. I have the most loving and supportive husband in the world who continues to be my rock. I have two healthy, beautiful children who still think I'm super mom despite my shortcomings. And I have myself - who I know is capable of making it through. Who I know is capable of coming out on top. Who I know is lovable and happy. Who I know is deserving and worthy.