Friendship

I absolutely love taking Claire to the park and watching how easily she strikes up a friendship with other kids. "Hi, whats your name? I'm Claire. Do you want to be my friend and play?" Annnd they're off! Buddies like they've known each other forever. Why can't it stay that way?

A mom friend and I were talking awhile back about how lonely motherhood can be and how difficult it is these days to make genuine friendships with other woman. Some women make it look SO easy. For others, it can be a struggle. I have always had a very close and small group of girlfriends. I've actually preferred it that way - or so I thought. Like the old quote goes, "I'd rather have one true friend than a hundred fake ones." But the older I get and the more my life changes, I realize that there were certain friendships that I wish I hadn't let go of. I will be the first to admit that I'm not always the best friend. Not because I don't care - because I absolutely do - but because I get lazy and too caught up in my own life that I forget to make time for others. I've never been good at calling, texting, or checking in on people. I will think to myself, "Oh, I need to call so and so and see how they're doing" a million times before I actually end up picking up the phone. And I put the blame on nobody other than myself. Maybe if I put in more effort I would have more friends? Maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely if I was the type of friend that I wished to have?

Everyone knows how much your life changes when you begin having kids. You barely have time for yourself, let alone friends! Or, am I just making excuses to feel better about being anti social? I'm not sure anymore! Because I tell myself that I don't have time to talk on the phone, but I have 20 minutes on the way to pick up Claire from school to call and check in with someone. But, I don't. If I have time to surf Facebook, I have time to text someone and see how they're doing. But, more often than not, I don't. I'm not sure why that is. Sometimes I think it's because I need that time for myself. Time to zone out. Every day, all day, I'm thinking of my little humans and their needs. I'm thinking of the bills that need to be paid, the chores that need to be done, what activities I'm taking Claire to this week, are there any doctors appointments that I need to work around, what can I throw together for dinner because I forgot to prep something this morning. It really is always something. I don't think I've washed my hair since Friday (I know, gross) so you can bet if I get some free-time, the first thing I'm thinking of doing is hopping in the shower - not talking on the phone. All of these reasons I use to justify why I may not be the best friend. When in reality, I should stop making excuses and just be the friend I want to be.

Years and years ago, I lost the closest friend I've ever had. She was more of a sister than my friend. And to this day, I still haven't forgiven myself for letting her go. The regret I feel from not being the friend she needed and deserved is something that still eats at me nearly ten years later. Would she still be in my life had I done things differently? I'm not sure. But to this day, I miss more than anything the relationship I had with her. We were at different points in our life, though still close, but I think thats where things went wrong. I didn't understand the magnitude of the things she was going through in her life therefore I wasn't able to be there for in the way that she needed me. I was in every way a very selfish friend - unknowingly. When my friend needed me more than anything, I was too wrapped up in my new relationship with Ryan to even notice. God how I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. The  unfortunate thing is, when its too late, it's too late. I had ruined any chance of rekindling our friendship. Her heart was closed off to me. I knew why. But I didnt understand why until years later when I started my own family. All of those things that weren't so important to me then were incredibly important to me now. They were the things that were important to her and considering how much she meant to me, I should have known. But, you don't fully think about how important and special it is when your friend becomes pregnant until you become pregnant and realize, WOW! This is a really big deal. You don't understand the depth and pain of losing a baby until you've been in her shoes. You don't understand the simple, meaningful things like how big of a deal a first birthday is  or how a visit to meet your newborn baby can be. You just don't know. And unfortunately sometimes it's just too late.

I'm realizing more now that some of my forever friends will actually not be forever friends. They were meant to be a chapter in my book and not a part of the story. And while it's a sad realization, I have to be okay with it. Because maybe they are at the point in their life that I was in mine nearly ten years ago when I didnt understand.

In the past few months, I have had acquaintances act as more of a friend to me than some of the women I considered my closest friends. I still consider myself truly blessed for the close friendships I do have but my goal moving forward is to put in more of an effort so those women know how much I value them and the relationship we share and putting more time towards developing new friendships with those who have opened their hearts to me.